Dracula's Date with a Dragon

Imagine Dracula, transformed into a fur-midable feline, making a hair-raising escape from a dragon's lair hotter than a wizard's fireball! It's a whisker away from disaster as our vampire lord turned cat attempts to escape the dragons lair.........however the dragon has other ideas in mind with Dracula. Hope dracula has some of his nine lives left. 
Find out in our latest rip-roaring, side-splitting adventure, "Dracula's Date with a Dragon."  This chapter is packed with excitement, humor, and enough fantasy to make an elf blush. 

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Transcript

Dracula’s Date with a Dragon

DM: Okay, welcome back. It's been a while since our last session. What happened last time?

Player: Well let's see Dracula decided to make a potion turned him into a cat and then during a long and exciting Chase he wound up in 

Dracula: Hey giant who controls me we don't have time for this. I'm a tiny cat and about to be eaten by a giant red dragon cuz I fell on it after crashing through the roof of its cave….

(boss music starts to play at dragon line) 

Narrator: The dragon stares at Dracula with evil in its eyes thinking count puss puss is trying to steal its treasure, and likely annoyed that it was awoken from a very nice dream. 

Dracula: Nice dragon… heh hehe….. let's just come down….. I'm not trying to…..

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR! 

N: Before he can finish his sentence the dragon Roars and Rears back its head……..its throat begins to glow red with fire..

DM: What do ? 

Player: Why are you talking like that?

Dm: This is how all the kids talk. I'm trying to sound hip and cool… 

PL: Well hello there fellow children I guess for children now thanks for listening like subscribe and don't forget to…………... .what kids do these days make me share memes….. uh twerk? 

DM: No no no no no no no twerking. No twerking! This isn't She-Hulk and we aren’t Disney.

N: We get that you both are older than dirt. You even know what a VCR is and is used for, the world has moved on. Can you please now focus on our current issue Dracula about to be barbecued Kitty.

D: Yes I would like to run please 

PL: Okay I run…… happy now 

D: Yes thank you 

N: As Dracula Darts Away the dragon unleashes a Various ball of fire melting the gold underneath Dracula's feet .  

DM: Hey! That's expensive!

N: No one cares, old man. Dracula darts back and forth hiding behind pillars and statues as the Dragon Continues its raging assault. However as fast as Dracula is on his little kitty paws he's not fast enough the air becomes thick with the smell of burnt fur as Dracula now looks like Charmander with a little fire on the end of his tail.

Player: speaking of which………can I please have a pokeball?

Dm: no we can't afford to be sued by Nintendo.

Player: True we already have to do with the Mages of the beach lawyers. 

Narrator: Would you two pay attention? Dracula's already down to his last cat life.

Dracual: I am ?

Narrator: You are now. 

Dracula: I must have missed that 

Narrator: you're a cat that's a vampire and you're on fire. one life left. deal with it.

Dracula: Giant can you please help me out there I'm kind of fit the loss I don't know what to do

Player: Right I'd like to make a perception roll to see if I can find an escape out of this cave

Dm: Alright, roll.

PL: all right here we go…………rolls um 15

N: Dracula looks around and notices a section of the cave that was struck by the dragon's tail has collapsed and what looks like an old tunnel has opened leading somewhere.

  player: all right I Dart across the room as fast as I can try not to trip on the gold and melted gold from the dragon and run down the cave tunnel as fast as My Little Paws can take me!

Narrator:  Dracula darts across the room as fast as he can. The Dragon sees him run for the exit Braves one last large surprise to fire at him and engulfing the entire room in flames!!! 

DM: All right give me a DEX saving throw with disadvantage

Player: why? yeah
Dracula: Yes, why you bastard?

Dungeon master: Because you're a tiny cat and the dragon can cast a fireball more than 50 ft wide because it's a dragon……………roll, or i’ll roll for you

Player: you'd probably roll higher than me anyway 

Dracula:Just roll already, for crying out loud I want to know if I'm dead!


Dungeon master: You're already dead. you're a vampire. 

Sounds of dice rolling.

Player all right... oof 13 and.. 16 I think I passed I just passed….. am I alive!

Dracula I think I'm alive 

Dungeon master: I don't know, let's find out. dice rol…………l well the dragon just whiffed it….. so yes. 

Dracula: yay!

Narrator: as the dragon breathes its giant fire blast, the flame strikes one of the pillars which causes part of the ceiling to land on top of the dragon's head diverting its attack between its legs Dracula barely outside the edge of the fire, darts through the tunnel out of the cave to safety while the dragon Roars behind him in frustration having missed its morning meal.


Dracula: I shall return for vengeance for my burnt fur, and favorite cape!


Narrator: you do realize that your butt’s on fire right?? 

Cat scream! 

Transition music

Narrator: back at Dracula's castle.We find Dracula in the bat Nursery being taken care of by the family doctor.

Nurse liz: I'm a nurse not a doctor. Get it right please.

Narrator: yes ma'am!

Narrator: Dracula now back to his normal Undead self having taken… a lot of potions to get back to normal is recovering from his night on the town as a cat


Nurse liz: So how did the plan Go Master Dracula I'm sure it went perfect as always…... 

Narrator: she says, batting her eyes flirtatiously.

Dracula: Oh yes my plan of course went perfectly ouch!

Nurse Liz:  be careful master dragon burns don’t heal fast.

I've given you something to help with the pain. Be careful though it might make you sleepy.

Dracula: I am Dracula the Lord of Darkness a simple pain medicine will not make me for I never notice how tall you are also why did I sow your hand backwards when I made you I should fix that zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Narrator: and Dracula is fast asleep. 

Narrator: inside Dracula's mind…………. Epic music

Dracula:  begone foul Beast for today I shall slay you you shall not take my future bride from me 

Narrator: Dracula dreaming on top of a shiny white horse in full battle armor, and bright red cape charges the dragon with sword drawn, its blade gleaming in the sunlight!

The dragon soars toward Dracula, the two legendary………legendary? Who wrote this?

Legendary beasts Clashing in a single strike Dracula cuts the dragon's head clean off. Dracula stands over a triumphantly raising his sword High proclaiming 

Dracula: I have won the day my love 

Narrator: the entire town before him swoons with the Butcher's daughter proclaiming her love

Butcher's daughter: My love you have vanquished the foul Beast, I love you so much and you're so handsome in your armor, and you wield your big sword so well,  I could never love a brave knight more than I do you….. 

Narrator: She leans in for a kiss… 

POP!

Narrator: as dracula leans in to kiss the butcher's daughter, he finds himself awake and falling out of his bed in the nursery. 

Crashing sounds…..

Dracula: ouch! 

Player:  as I get up I yell for Igor 

Dracula: Igor!!

Igor: Right here master 

Dracula: ahhhhhhh Seriously how do you keep doing that need to put the Bell on you 

Igor: The last vampire that tried to put the Bell on me found a stake in his heart sir.

Dracula: noted: anyway, I had a dream igor! I doubt though why my plans, though perfect as they have been, have not worked!

Igor: Oh how come master?

Dracula: it's just because women don't like magic these days like they're used to. No, if I were to win the heart of the butcher's daughter I must be a brave knight. I shall defeat the dragon and get revenge for what it did to me and I shall use not magic, no! I shall use my family armor and sword then the town will see how Brave I am and the butcher's daughter will love me forever laughter laughter laughter.

To the armory igor! 

Igor: But master, about the family sword…

Dracula: no time Igor we must hurry this dragon will not slay itself.

Pl: without a word I rush to the family armory

Transition

Narrator: Dracula arrives at the family Armory in the castle, the room is filled with hundreds of weapons collected throughout the ages, full suits of armor from multiple lands and times……….. Why is there a catapult assembled inside the armory? How did it even get in here?

Igor: Dracula was bored as a child and Legos hadn't been invented yet 

Narrator: what are Legos 

Igor: I'm sorry per Guild contract I'm not allowed to say 


Dracula: I know it's here somewhere………. ah here it is!


Narrator: Dracula throws out of his way a large Ballista with the letters dragon slayer 9001 on it. And eyes an old ornate chest in the back corner under a portrait of an armor clad vampire.


Dracula: my father's armor and weapons, why he told me Legends of this! He said the armor could take on the hardest of foes and attacks and the sword could cut a mountain in half in a single strike!  passed down from the family from generation after Generation The Flaming sword of Doom has been a treasure amongst my family,  with this I shall slay the dragon and claim my future bride  AH AHA AH! 

Igor: Master about the sword

Dracula: Don't have time igor! We have a monster to slay! And a bride's heart to win!
Player: with a snap of my finger the armor floats out of the box and assembles on me over my clothes and my Cape turns from black to bright red…

Dracula: It's perfect! Just like in my dream! 

Player: I say as I admire my image in the mirror in the corner 

DM: Okay….. Bram Stroker demands……. I make you make a perception roll


Player: alright……….rolls…………….. Haha 4


DM: You think you look very dashing in your armor and Cape and sword 

Narrator: He's got no reflection.  

DM: as I said he thinks he looks very dashing in his armor and Cape and sword. I did not say he actually looks very dashing in his armor and Cape and sword. It is not my fault that he can't see his reflection.


Dracula: I am off igor to slay my foe, don't don't bother coming with me I shan't be gone long this will only take an hour at most!

Player: I turn and leave the armory gleefully 

Narrator: well he's not wrong... it will only be an hour fight at most…If the dragon decides to play with its food. 

Transition……

Narrator: dracula arrives at the beast's lair, and enters boldly waving his sword in the air! 


Dracula:Dragon your end  has come it is I Dracula returned you thought I was defeated yesterday but no I have come back with a vengeance now you shall taste my blade
player: I say as I raise my sword pointing it at the dragon's heart

Narrator: The dragon looking surprised raises its head and eyes Dracula with an intense stare.

Dragon: oh if it isn’t the little kitty all grown up, and returning to me………good….I was craving something to bite down on

Narrator: oh no… it’s a female dragon

Dracula: You can talk?..........

Dragon: oh I assure you my brave knight, I can do much more than just talk….. Though I prefer to do other things to pass the time.

DM: Wait, why does that dragon sound familiar?

PL: hehehehehe I know…

Dragon: oh hello there, if it isn’t my dearest dungeon master, how I have missed your……….narrations during my leisurely activities….. 

DM: No nononononononono not again! 

Dracula: What is happening here? Doesn’t matter! The time for words is over. You had your chance to talk before you lit my tail on fire………….. now prepare to taste my blade (sword sound effect)

Dragon: oh isn't that a cute little sword you have there, well go ahead, stab me with it, slay me and prove your worth

Narrator: as the dragon says this she rolls over, revealing her soft underside for dracula to strike………... .wait what is happening here?! 


Dracula: uhhhh okay…i’m going to stab you now then…. Haha why am I sweating now……

Dragon: i’m waiting my big knight……(cat purring)


N: dracula looking very nervous and…..insecure…. lunges forward and strikes the dragon as hard as he can.


N: the dragon, not blinking after a moment, looks down at dracula…….

Dragon....................oh i'm sorry I didn't realize it was in"

Dracula: yes. I have stabbed you…….are you dead?

Dragon: not quite my dear………oh dear……I think my HARD scales broke your sword.

Dracula: my sword?!

Narrator: Dracula looks down in shock as his fathers legendary flaming sword blade lines shattered on the ground, leaving only a broken hilt in his hand.


Dracula……haha haha well this is awkward…. I swear this never happens to me.

Dragon. Oh don’t worry my dear, it’s not the first time a knight's sword couldn’t penetrate me deep……... .right Dearest dungeon master?

DM: ahhahahah not again no no no………..crying……..

Narrator: I think you broke him….dragon lady

Dragon: oh not to fret, my dear bearded man…many knights, and adventurers have failed to perform in my lair….many many 

DM: why! Can’t I have a single campaign without being scared for life! 


Dracula: soooo uh……what happens now dragon lady?

Dragon: well, if you aren’t going to…….Slay me………I really have no use for you……..unless.

Narrator: the dragon lady leans in closer to dracula

Dragon: you turn into a cat again…………I do love cats, they are my favorite……….. Aphrodisiac

Narrator: she says purring loudly at Dracula………..wait a minute…….it that why there are no cats in the town of honeydale?!

Dragon: ah a haha (nervous laughing)... well I should really be going now….um Igor will have lunch ready soon….

Dragon: Igor?!

N: the dracula raises it’s head excitedly, and perks up,

Dragon: how do you know igor?

Dracula: How do you know igor?

Dragon: oh I know igor ... .deeply well…… my dearest knight…... .deeply well, rarely have I found a man my equal…. But igor…………oh my dearest igor is far beyond that…….

Narrator: IGOR!...where are you, you’ve got some explaining to do……

Dracula: That igor, he didn't tell me about the dragon…….or about my sword! 

Narrator: he tried!! 
IGOR: I tried!! 
(same time)

Dragon: well farewell my little kitty………and do please…... .give igor my warmest regards and tell him………..my lair is ALWAYS open for him….


Transition back to castle


Narrator: Dracula arrives back at the castle and looks for igor.

Dracula: Igor………..Igor……….Igor………….where are you?

Narrator: one of the skeleton guards in the hall calls out to him

Bone Guard: he's in the garden master! 

Dracula: ah thank you……ummmm

Bone Guard: Sir bones master, though you haven’t seen me much, but you do my know my cousin……..ser bones 

Me?

Narrator: another skeleton guard pipes up down the hall….

Sir bones: no not you the other sir bones! 

Dracula: Wait, are all the skeletons in my castle named sir bones?

Sir bones: Yes! 

Narrator: next time don’t cast your necromancy spells on a family grave site

Transition music….

Narrator: we find igor in the garden tending to his crops, and flowers….. As he pulls out some weeds a small rabbit runs by him with a carrot in his mouth.

Igor: Oh no you don’t! Not in my garden! 

Narrator: with a snap of his finger the rabbit is transformed into a small gardening tool, and falls to the ground………..wait is that how igor gets his tools?

Igor: yes……….I don’t like rodents, in my garden……..or kitchen

Narrator: igor picks up the tool.

Igor: if you serve me well I might release you in a few hundred years, but betray me and you will never be free…….



Narrator: a look of terror falls on the garden tool………. I don’t know how that's physically possible even….

Dm: Magic! 

Narrator: you know sometimes igor scares me…..
Everyone: us to

Narrator: as igor continues to work his garden testing out his new gardening tool on the very carrots it tried to steal moments ago, Dracula walks out of the castle calling igor.

Dracula: Igor!! 

Igor: down here master!

Dracula: Igor I just came from…….

Narrator: Alright old man you have some explaining to do! What is this about a dragon!!! 

Igor: Dragon?

Narrator: don’t play dumb with me! I saw the whole thing! How dare you not tell me about this, after all we’ve been through!! 

Igor: I have no idea what you mean my friend?

Dracula: excuse me….. Hello Dracula here, lord of darkness…. 

PL: I say waving the broken sword in the air

Igor: oh you broke it…….well no surprise….it was only a ceremonial sword your great great great great great grandfather had made….. Also to impress a girl.


Narrator: Must run in the family

Igor: oh you have no idea my friend

Dracula: ahhhmmmm

Igor: oh yes, as I was saying, your great great great grandfather had that made master for a ceremony to impress his “future bride”....he told her it was a legendary blade forged in the fires of a volcano that he found after defeating a balrog and slaying an entire army fiends and demons from the abyss.

Dracula:...hmm that's a good way to impress a woman…. I should maybe………..ah but the sword is a fake and broken

Igor: master I’m heading to town today to pick up some supplies; would you like me to have the blacksmith fix it? It is a family heirloom after all, even if it’s better used as a letter opener. 

Dracula: ah thank you igor, I’m going to my study to think of new ways to impress my future bride! 

Narrator: Dracula leaves the garden and heads back into his castle. As he leaves another rabbit hops into view of Igor's garden………igor raises his new gardening tool

Igor: Friend of yours?

Transition

Narrator: Back inside the castle, Dracula makes his way to the armory to search for a new weapon deserving of a……. true knight

Dracula: Surely there is something here that I can use on an epic quest to win the heart of my future bride!.........hmmmm I need a true legendary weapon! A normal sword will not do….

DM: alright give me a perception check…

Player: sure……rolls……….17, nice

Narrator: As Dracula looks around the armory he notices on the wall a large sword with a golden handing on the wall….

Dracula: oooh that looks promising..

Player: I walk over and grab the sword off the wall, And hold it high

Dracula: now this is a sword I don't appear to be ceremonial…………..ouch….I cut myself

Narrator: definitely not ceremonial…….it’s so sharp you can cut yourself by looking at it.
However, Dracula's merriment at finding a new blade is short-lived as A painful sensation enters Dracula's rear end!

Dracula: Wait, what did you say??

OUCH!!!

Narrator: Dracula drops the sword on the ground and looks behind him and sees a treasure chest biting him on the rear

Dracula: Mimi, why did you bite me!

Narrator: Before Dracula can get an answer, four legs… wait, are those dog legs?... pop out of the bottom of the chest and it runs around Dracula picking up the sword in its mouth like a giant chew toy.

Mimi: Play?!

Dracula: No Mimi, bad mimic! Get back here! 

Mimi: Master Plays with mimi!  (bark bark)

Narrator: the talking chest swallows the sword hole and then runs away! Dracula chases the………. DM what do you call that exactly?

DM: It's Mimi

Narrator: I know, but what is it? It’s not a mimic, and it’s definitely not a dog! 

DM: it’s Mimi

Narrator: I KNOW but what is it!! 

Player: it’s Mimi

Narrator: uhhhh…….. You’re not making my job as a narrator any easier for the audience.

DM: but the audience already knows…….they’ve seen who’s on first.

Narrator: What?

DM: No he’s on second…….

Player: NO NO! If we start quoting Abbott and Costello, Dracula will never find true love let alone a new sword! 

Narrator: true… Wait where did? Ah see now look what you made me do… Dracula and Mimi are now gone and we don’t even know where they went because I couldn't do my job and narrate while you two went on a down the rabbit hole with your stupid meta b******* 

DM: Well according to the board They are about to pass the library

Narrator: Wait? there’s a library!?

DM: there's always a library.

Player: ummmmm……how’d my miniature get there?

DM: wait I thought you put them there?

Player: NO, I thought you did

DM: I never move the miniatures, plus I'm behind my DM screen. How could I even reach them from here?

Narrator: Oi, nerds! Can we focus please? This is dnd, not jumanji, who cares how they got there!  you said they’re in the library…. 

Player: The Bat-brary!

Narrator: NO, Don’t make me get my ax!! 

Player: Fine fine……we will go with its ancestral name……….. The Eternal Library 
 
Narrator: Dracula continues to chase after Mimi hoping to get back the sword, as he rounds the corner he sees Mimi enter a large doorway and the door shuts behind him.

Dracula: ah the Bat….

Narrator: AHEMMMM 

Dracula: I mean…. The Eternal library….yes………………. Ah drat I forgot my library card! 

DM: Hey everyone, thanks for listening. Our next episode is in two weeks and we'll continue our little adventure in the eternal library with dracula and mimi. See you then.