Heroes and Hoagies

This episode takes you on a whimsical journey through their hilarious reminiscences, from the antics of a magical mirror named Kevion to the absurdity of a blind man driving a bookmobile, and even the legendary sword, Calibur. Listen as our lovable characters engage in witty banter and quirky revelations, all while exploring the fantastical world they inhabit. Plus, hear about the town butcher who moonlights as the blacksmith and his "valiant" efforts to repair Dracula's broken ceremonial sword, while simultaneously trying to keep him away from his daughter.

But the adventure doesn't stop there! Join Dracula and his loyal companion Mimi on a daring mission to raid Igor’s fortified pantry, leading to an unexpected and chaotic battle against Igor's enchanted bedroom. With Mimi revealing surprising new powers, cuminating in an epic bedroom brawl! Will Dracula and Mimi triumph over their formidable foes? Tune in for an action-packed episode filled with humor, tension, and an alarming number of dice.

Transcript

Inspector 1: Last time on 1v1meDm………that there shiny guy………what was his name again…. Uh

Inspector 3: Spatula I think he said his name was….. I remember it as clear as my own name…………… wait, what is my name?

Inspector 2: no no no you old coot, it’s dracula

Inspector 1: well spatula, or dracula whoever went to visit the library you see……..only young whippersnapper done gone and forgot his library card.

Inspector 2: That's right then instead of just asking for help he done tries and steals a book from the eternal library! Them banshee librarians sure didn’t like that, no sireee bob they done didn’t 

Dracula: Who are you talking to?

Narrator: Dracula interrupts the inspector….. Yes there is only one you heard that right, go watch the previous episode ... 

Inspector 1: why the audience of course! 

Narrator: Where was I oh yes dracula, Mimi and the inspector are lying on the floor just outside where the door to the eternal library used to be….

DM: Oh great first you with the comment section now this guy! 

Player: Hey, that's not a very nice way to talk about our adoring fans! 

Dm: what fans! We’re alone in a room. There’s no one here!

Inspector 1: Right there sunny! on the other side of that doohickey magic mirror thingy

Inspector 2: no the magic mirror was in the library remember…..

Dracula: oh Kevin……he really is a nice guy.

Narrator: somewhere in the distance you almost hear a yell echoing across the wind

Kevion: MY NAME IS KEVION!

Dracula: Well, my plan worked perfectly as always……..by the way

Narrator: Dracula turns and look at the inspector….s

Dracula: Now that we are away from the banshees I’ve been meaning to ask why didn’t you leave sooner?

Narrator: the knife ear is right for once, 

Dracula: Hey!

Narrator: don’t let it go to your head!...anyone with your…….Bookmancy……..you could have left at anytime………….you made a car out of books for crying out loud!

Inspector 1: well made a tank at first but that done there felt like overkill……..so we went muscle car.

Dracula:.... I want to drive a Tank (whisper)

Dracula: yes…….so why did you stay?

Inspector 1: we didn’t want to go home, library was the perfect hiding spot from my wife.

Narrator: why were you hiding from your wife? There’s no way she could have been that bad to make you hide in a library full of banshees, and living off books for 70 years! 

Inspector 1: no no she wasn’t that bad, but have yee seen her!? She done fell out the fugly tree then climbed back up and fell out again 85 more times.

Dracula: Well if she’s that ugly, why did you marry her?

Inspector 1: That’s simple sonny, I’m blind.

Dracula/Narrator: WHAT?!

Dracula: but but but…..

Narrator: BUT YOU WERE DRIVING THE BOOKMOBILE!

Dracula: yes that!

Inspector 2: he may be blinder than a deaf bat, but my eyes are as sharp as a hawk!

Narrator: but how can a skeleton………. My head hurts! 

DM: guys it’s DND………..the answer is magic

Narrator: …….more like insanity

Player: you mean to tell you don’t think Gary Gygax wasn’t tripping ball when he wrote first edition?

Dracula: can we get back to my story please. We have a clue now! 

Narrator: Dracula says as he holds up the torn page from the legendary book. 

Narrator: The torn page is written in a very old style of runes, though dracula can read it it does come with difficulty

Dracula: these are from the western island of britannia. Strange that the mirror led me to this book…. Hmmm. It talks of the legendary sword…... .Caliber the Legendary, the famous sword forged by the dwarves for the Hero of the great war…………..wait a minute that guy looks familiar??

Narrator: as Dracula looks at the picture on the page it shows a large bearded man holding the legendary sword……wait a sec……….

Dracula/narrator: Is that the Town butcher!!?   

Transition to town

Achhhhhhhhhoooo!

Igor: Bless you

Butcher: thank you igor……….someone must have been talking about me

Igor: no doubt telling tales of your old glory days before retirement

Butcher: bah! I’m as fit as a fiddle, you never truly retire from the life of adventure……why I could slay a dragon right now! Ahahah

Narrator: The butcher says with a laugh as he puts his hands on his hips

Igor: you say that my friend…….but those 50 extra pounds from feasting after your final battle  says otherwise

Narrator: he says eyes the butchers plump belly

Igor: plus you have a daughter now, who needs her father to keep his head on his shoulders, and out of the belly of a dragon…..

Butcher: bah! you’re one to talk about dragons igor………I haven’t forgotten about your ex you know…….she burnt my beard.

Igor: cough ahem…………..anyway my friend, do you believe you can fix this blade:

Narrator: igor takes out the broken “ceremonial” legendary sword of the Dracula family from his pack and hands it to the butcher………. I guess he’s also the town blacksmith

Butcher: well when you max your profession's skill tree early you tend to branch out after 20 years just to not get bored.

Butcher: eye me friend, come inside the forge room igor and let's see if we can’t fix this…………useless blade………why does this look like someone tried to actually use this against an actual dragon?

Igor: sadly………..my…employer might have used it on the town’s official pest controller in the mountains.

Butcher: why would anyone mess with that old lady?! Do they have a death wish?!

Why If she doesn’t burn them, she’ll crush them……………except you apparently hahaha.

Narrator: they enter the forge room/ aka blacksmith shop inside the butchers house. A large room with multiple swords, arrows, spears, and various farm tools, and horseshoes……. As they approach the anvil…..igor notices an empty plague on the wall with hooks to hold a sword.

Igor: What happened to your sword?

Butcher: Bah, got tired of the thing so tossed it back where I found it years ago!

Igor: might be for the best, the thing should honestly never have been taken from that cursed place in the first place…

Butcher: eye, but don’t think anyone would be dumb enough to go looking for it

Narrator: As the butcher says this a small blue portal opens up revealing the magic mirror

Igor: Kevion?! What are you doing here?

Butcher: Well, if it isn’t my favorite old mirror.

Narrator: the mirror eyes the butcher squinting closer to look at him

Kevion: you’ve gotten fat old man 

Butcher: why does everyone keep saying that………bah and watch your tone glassy before you find your glass smashed from a hammer! 

Igor: calm down everyone, honestly you’re worse than denis! 

Kevion: ah yes, the denis adventures section of the library is growing quite fast……..but I’m here on official LOL business I'm afraid.

Igor: LOL business? Whatever for?

Kevion: violation of user agreement for LOL access, library property taken without library card…………also destruction of library property.

Igor: oh dear………what has my master done now……..I knew i should have brought him with me…..

Narrator: knife ears really made a mess of things this time

Igor: Kevion, what did he take from the library? If I may ask please, I will try and return it.

Kevion: Library book “The Legend of the most legendary sword of all legends, volume 69” removed from shelf without library card, and damaged, page 347 torn…..

Igor: page 347?

Narrator: he turns nervously to the butcher

Butcher: bah, so what he took a page, I don’t see what it’s got ye feathers in a ruffl……

Igor: Page 347 is about caliber…..

Butcher: $@#*&

Narrator: he says looking at the plague where………Calibur the legendary once hung. 

Igor: I should head back to the castle now! 

Butcher: igor I swear……..if that damn, albino elf brings my old sword back here I’ll lop his head clean off! 

Transition

Narrator: back at the castle….Dracula stares at the picture of the young butcher holding the legendary sword.

Dracula: I’m telling you that's the Town butcher! 

Narrator: you’re daft knife ear! I mean look at him…he’s more jacked than a jackhammer

Dracula: I’m telling you it’s him!

Narrator: as dracula says this the inspectors  lean over and peers at the paper…..wait how are the skeletons doing that?

DM: don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to!

Narrator: But I…….

DM: ARE YOU SURE????

Narrator: ……nevermind, I’m good.

DM: Smart Dwarf.

Narrator: the 3 lean over Dracula's shoulder and see the picture of the hero.

Inspector 1: Oh my why if it isn’t Young William, the apprentice. why he was just a little whippersnapper when I last saw him, he left the village back in…………23 to go on adventures

Inspector 2: banshee screams got your memory covered in spider webs my friend, it was 26 when he left to go find the legendary sword to slay the dark lord…

Inspector 3: the dank lord?! 

Inspector 1: No the dark lord!

Inspector 3: A Damp gord?

SLAPPPP!

Narrator: inspector 1 slaps inspector 3 across the face! The skeleton’s head spins around.................. 

Dracula: I can’t believe the father of my future bride is a famous hero, what's more……he wielded the legendary sword I seek! It must be fate! 

Dracula: if I claim the sword, I will show her, and her father I am worthy of her love and affection! Ah ahah.

Inspector 2: but finding the sword will be next to impossible! It took William and an entire party of heroes ten years to find it!  

Dracula: how do you know this?

Narrator: Yes, how do YOU………know this? I didn’t even know this and I'm the narrator! 

Inspector 1: We read about it while stuck in the library! 

Inspector 2: The Chronicles of the Dark Lord, Volume 2

Dracula: well……….I don’t think it will take ten years for us, at the bottom of the page it says “ “The sword is located in the Lost Mine of Durnheim”

Narrator: Wait did you just say……..Durnheim?

Dracula: Yes……..you know this place?

Narrator: Every dwarf knows of this place….The cursed dwarven stronghold of Durnheim.

Dracula: So where is it?

Narrator: I refuse…….I’ll have no part in this madness….. Forget the sword, find another legendary weapon that can cut a mountain in half! 

Dracula: fine! If you won’t tell me, I’ll find another Dwarf that will! 

Narrator: Good luck with that, there aren’t any dwarves in a hundred miles of your castle! 

Dracula: Then I will leave my castle and find them!

Come mimi to the pantry! 

Mimi: yes master good mimi comes, bark bark

Narrator: where are they going?

DM: to pantry

Narrator: Why?

Dracula: SNACKS!!! 

Snack AD BREAK

(in universe 4th wall ad break for Light Red, your go to source for blood now with half the calories)? 

Transition to Cellar

Narrator: Dracula arrives at the castle pantry down the hall from Igors kitchen and Bedroom, a VERY  large solid Iron door with a sign stands before him…

Dracula: “Igors Pantry, Keep out, all trespassers with face…………..oh my gosh!

Narrator: That's dark even for me?!

Dracula: But I'm sure igor doesn’t mean me, I am his master after all…….he he..

Narrator: Then why are you sweating?

Dracula: Shut up! I got this……………hurhhhhhhhhhhhhr (grunts)

Narrator: Dracula attempts to open the large door only to have it not budge even an inch………come on knife ear, put your back into it!

Dracula: huhhhhhhhhhgggggggrrrrrrrrrrr……….I’m………..try………ing……..

Mimi: Mimi yep master yes yes! 

Narrator: the mimic bites down on dracula's cloak and pulls hard

DM: alright give me a strength saving throw……

….rolls…….

Player: 14….

DM: nope, not even close…... .this is Igors pantry after all.

Dracula: ahhhhhhhhhhhh! (crash sound)

Narrator: Dracula's hands lose grip and he and Mimi fly backward and smash into the nearby wall, the force leaving a body imprint of a vampire and chest……..

Dracula: What the heck is that thing made of?!...........ah drat! What now? I need food for my long journey! 

Narrator: why don’t you just you know……..drink blood ... .or you know vampire stuff?

*Dracula: I’m on a diet right now, Nurse liz said I need to lose 20 pounds.But my father always told me…………”Drac…... .always remember to bring supplies on long journeys, you never know when you might find a hungry maiden”.

Narrator: I don’t think he meant the supplies you eat.

Dracula: Hmm you know maybe Igor has a spare key to the Cellar in his room!?

Player: I walk down the hall to Igors room.

Narrator: ah…are you sure you want to go in there…….if he is willing to do………….that……….to someone who goes in his pantry…….ahhhhh (shudders)......I don’t want to think about what he’d do to those who enter his room.

Dracula: oh now you’re just being paranoid, it’s only igor..why he wouldn’t hurt a fly

Narrator: Dracula reaches for the door and pulls the handle, the door…………opens? Ah I mean opens without any resistance ... .this can’t be good……where's my popcorn!?

Dracula: Now where would Igor keep extra keys??

Narrator: Dracula steps inside Igors bedroom, it is a simple room, with a small bed in the corner, and wardrobe ... .the only major distinction is that one wall with……... .Holy that is a lot of brooms! 

Dracula: There must be hundreds!! 

DM: alright go ahead and make me a perception roll

Player: oh gosh…………..umm 11

DM: well……. You can’t explain it but you feel the hair stand up on the back of your neck and feel like you are being watched

Dracula: he hehe ……….I don’t like this place….come mimi lets find the keys and get out quick.

Mimi: Bark bark………yes master, mimi never like room…..

Narrator: Dracula and mimi search igors room for several minutes in silence, the feeling of being watched never leaving, after some time, Mimi barks loudly! 

Mimi: bark bark, here master, here, Good mimi finds keys! 

Narrator: the chest exclaims joyfully tail wagging as it stands near Igor’s desk

Dracula: Good job mimi! 

Narrator: Dracula walks over to the open drawer in the chest and sees a set of keys inside.

Player: I reach down and grab the keys

DM: As soon as the keys leave the desk you here a swishing sound behind you and low growling! 

Narrator: Dracula and mimi turn and see that they are surrounded by hundreds of BROOMS!

Dracula: Ummmm……….Hello there? Heh heh 

DM: alright Roll for Initiative hehehe 

Player: umm dirty 22…..

DM: alright…….um…ahah…..I’ve never said this before but ummm……..Can I borrow some dice….I don’t enough, and thats with rolling in batches……..

Player: I’m scared……….how many you need?

DM:..........ummmmmm All of them.

Narrator: A dice factory wouldn’t have enough dice for this roll! 

Rolling hundreds sounds…. 

Narrator: TIMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Player: soooooooooo I count the number on the left pile…..you on the right?

DM: teamwork makes the dream work

Player: you’re lucky my dice are in this heap otherwise I’d shove them down your throat…..

Spongebob….. MANY MANY MANY hours later…

DM: Okay so…the order of battle will be   MIMI…..who rolled a Nat 20 is going first…… then Broom 76, 83, 245, 652, 18, 398, 721…fades for a second…… 289, 666, and 42, and 473….then Dracula….then after all the rest of the Brooms.

Narrator: snort (wakes up) what what, ho! What happened….where am I…oh right..are you nerds done counting? For crying out loud i’ve had shorter marriages then that took!

DM: yep all done…

MIMI: Mimi fun time!! Yes yes bark bark

Narrator: without warning the Chest darts into the nearest mob of brooms opening its mouth with glee! Before the brooms can react the mimi sucks in dozens in one giant vacuum gulp!...........is Mimi  a kirby?

Dracula: Good Job mimi! …….AHH!

Narrator: Dracula distracted by his pets……very very effective attack doesn’t see the first broom close in on his right and lunge at him with it’s full body like a spear pelting Dracula in the chest and knocking the air from his lungs! 

Before dracula can even recover 3 more brooms leap into the air high above dracula and bring the end of their handles crashing down on dracula's back driving him into the floor, face first!

Player: I roll over quickly on my back, stretch out my hand and cast Eldritch BLAST to knock the brooms from me! 

Dracula: Ahhhhhhh take that! (Booom effect)

Narrator: The brooms scatter away from Dracula, and fall to the side, however after a few seconds they rise up and rejoin the horde! 

Dracula: oh come on just stay down…please! 

Narrator: as dracula says this chilling scream and Blast of ice soars past dracula and scattering and  freezing the closest Mob of Brooms

SCEEEEEEEEEEEEAMMMMMMMMMM!

Player: I turn to look behind me

Narrator: dracula sees Mimi standing next to him, mouth open and cold mist streaming from his mouth like dry ice (reword)

Dracula: Mimi?

Mimi: bark bark, Mimi do good master? Yes yes

Dracula: how did you do that mimi?

MIMI:Mimi eat banshee in library, Mimi learn yes yes

Narrator: you might need to invest in bark collar after this for your own safety

Dracula: you really are the best pet ever mimi! Now lets end this and get out of here! 

Narrator: dracula and mimi square off and stand next to each other in an epic pose ready for battle against the Brooms….

Dracula: come on you wooden bastards! Come and taste our fury! 

Narrator: the brooms suddenly stop and stare at dracula and mimi…………then the quickly start to gather in the center, and begin to glow an ominous light. 

Dracula: hey now, what are you doing?

MIMI: bark bark

Narrator: as dracula says this the Brooms begin to merge together, hundreds at a time per second and grow into one large shape, a torso and large legs soon appear then arms stretch out from the large body then a head appears with dark glowing yellow eyes…..Dracula and mimi find themselves facing a large giant Golem made of wood.

MIMI: Hello, I’m MIMI!,What's your name?

RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!

End of Episode!