Brooms, Bards and Bandits

What happens when Dracula battles enchanted cleaning supplies and accidentally sets himself ablaze? Find out as our vampiric hero and his trusty sidekick, Mimi, embark on an uproarious quest to find the legendary sword Calibur. The journey kicks off with an intense showdown against a broom golem conjured from Igor's magical cleaning arsenal.

Our tale takes another hilarious turn as Dracula encounters a band of bumbling bandits and ends up setting himself on fire, only to be saved by the quick-witted bard Brom Stroker. As they head to the dwarven town of Gildar, the chaos continues with a riotous bar brawl in the local guildhall. From merchants and artisans to adventurers brandishing makeshift weapons, Gildar promises no shortage of excitement. Tune in to witness mishaps, mayhem, and a hearty dose of laughter in this action-packed episode. Don't miss out on the thrills and spills as Dracula faces unexpected challenges and meets potential new allies!

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:02

Alright. Um, it's been a couple of weeks since we last played. What happened last time? Anyone? Oi, me, me, me, pick me. Why you Cause I've been waiting for weeks to see the look on Igor's face after Dracula messed this stuff. Well, you've already said a lot, so fine, go ahead. Gift permission. Last time on 1v1, the DM Dracula has decided to embark on an epic quest to find the legendary sword Calibur last seen in the cursed city of Darnheim, the lost location known only to the dwarves who refuse to speak of it. To prepare for his long journey ahead, dracula decided to take some snacks from Igor's pantry, but had to use his spare key in his room. His stuff really did not like that and attacked Dracula. The battle seemed to be going Dracula and Mimi's way until the brooms decided that they were done playing by the rules and fused into a giant broom golem of destruction. The monster roars in rage spit flying from its mouth and pelting Dracula and Mimi.

Speaker 2 1:23

I should run now.

Speaker 3 1:25

Yes, you should.

Speaker 1 1:26

Dracula jumps on top of Mimi and exclaims loudly Run Mimi. Mimi takes off barking tail, wagging straight for the golem Bark bark.

Speaker 2 1:38

Ah, mimi, wrong way turn around.

Speaker 1 1:41

The golem stretches out its arm 20 feet from its body, like an extending tree branch that brings its fist down hard to smash Mimi and Dracula. The Mimi zips to the left, narrowly dodging the blow as the fist leaves a hole in the floor where Mimi and Dracula once were. The Mimi, not losing any speed, continues to sprint straight for the golem.

Speaker 3 2:07

Avada Kaboom, I yell as I cast Eldritch Blast from the top of Mimi at the golem.

Speaker 1 2:15

The blast strikes the golem's left hand as it reaches out to try and smash Mimi. It shatters, scattering wood everywhere, its pieces falling to the ground and reforming into brooms again that once more stand and begin moving toward Mimi and Dracula closing in from the right flank.

Speaker 2 2:35

Third left Mimi, they're closing in on us. We're being flanked.

Speaker 1 2:41

Without missing a beat, mimi dodges quickly to the left to avoid the enclosing brooms. However, this brings our two friends right into the golem's range again. Alright, so the golem brings its right hand crashing down to smash Dracula and Mimi as they cross in front of him. Give me a dex saving, throw Oof. Well, ain't that unfortunate. The golem brings his giant debt are down smashing into Mimi didn't roll yet.

Speaker 4 3:13

Mimi good at dodging no, I'm the DM.

Speaker 1 3:16

I decided for character can do something. You mean dodge. No, you didn't DM. I don't think you're going to win this one.

Speaker 3 3:35

I'm the DM. I always win these ones. I don't think either of us control this game anymore.

Speaker 1 3:39

We have officially gone off the rails? I want to argue that point, but I don't think I can. I want you to know I blame you for this. We could have been doing a superhero season. Now look at where we are. Oi, while you two nerds whined about losing control of your little plastic toys, the Mimi dodged. Hold on, master.

Speaker 4 3:59

Yes, yes, yes, woof, woof, yes, woof.

Speaker 2 4:02

What, what, ah, yes, yes what.

Speaker 1 4:04

With the final burst of speed, the Mimi darts underneath the golem's feet, right as its arm comes crashing down, smashing the brooms that were right behind them into pieces. The golem roars its frustration as Mimi and Dracula race to the doorway and then slam the door shut behind them.

Speaker 3 4:25

All right, I quickly fumble and grab the keys to try and lock the door behind us to trap the cleaning supplies inside Igor's room.

Speaker 1 4:33

All right, give me a dexterity check. There are a lot of keys on that chain. Also, the golem is currently charging toward the door. Good point, make that with disadvantage.

Speaker 2 4:46

Oh, come on Both of us.

Speaker 1 4:49

Less talking, more lucky-lucky Knife-Ear 19.

Speaker 3 4:57

Of course, I only roll good rolls on disadvantage, and 14 is the other one.

Speaker 1 5:03

Dracula fumbles for the keys nervously, hands sweating more than during the female dragon encounter. Just as the golem reaches the door, he finds the right key, he slams it into the lock and quickly locks the door right as the giant monster slams its large fist into it, the door bucks and shakes, loose stone falling from the ceiling as the whole castle groans. But Igor's door holds firm.

Speaker 2 5:36

Why is Igor's door stronger than my castle?

Speaker 1 5:40

Buddy, you don't want to know, I know it and I wish I didn't.

Speaker 2 5:47

Ah well, Another perfect plan, Perfectly executed. Now let's go get snacks. Mimi, you deserve a big treat from Ego's Pantry after helping me with those brooms.

Speaker 1 6:17

Dracula makes his way back to the pantry and finds the door open with ease after using the proper key. The shelves of Igor's storeroom are full of all kinds of food imaginable. The shelves of Igor's storeroom are full of all kinds of food imaginable Fresh fruits and vegetables from the castle garden, juicy, salted pieces of cut meat, grains and breads, jams, honey, eggs, sugar and more. Indeed, you could feed an entire kingdom from here.

Speaker 6 6:42

Perfect, Now just a quick snack for the road.

Speaker 2 6:51

Some supplies then I'm off to what are you?

Speaker 1 6:53

doing. What a yelp of fright. Dracula jumps straight up to the ceiling and smacks his head on it. The werepup Dennis stands behind him, next to Mimi, having come to the castle looking for entertainment, as usual.

Speaker 2 7:13

Don't scare me like that, Dennis. I may be immortal, but even vampires can have heart attacks. I'm packing for an adventure, though.

Speaker 6 7:27

Oh, that's nice, Can Mimi play?

Speaker 2 7:31

Where I was going to take Mimi with me.

Speaker 6 7:37

Please.

Speaker 1 7:38

The werepup says, while trying to look as cute as possible no, no, no, do not fall for it. This child is Chaos Incarnate. It's all a-.

Speaker 6 7:50

Please, Mr Dracula, please.

Speaker 5 7:53

Ah, it's so cute.

Speaker 1 7:58

Bartender, bring me something stronger than ale Must resist.

Speaker 2 8:08

Oh aww. Alright, we'll make a stay and play. I am, after all, the lord of darkness. I will be fine on my own. Ha, ha, ha ha. I should first lock up the pantry, though, and return E Igor's case.

Speaker 1 8:26

Dracula pauses after saying this, looking down the hall at Igor's room, where he can still hear the sound of banging as the broom colon tries to get out.

Speaker 2 8:47

Ah, but the brooms. They are kinda pissed off at me still.

Speaker 1 8:52

Dennis looks at the keys and, behind Dracula, at Igor's pantry Shoulder Devils.

Speaker 6 8:58

reporting for duty master, ah, right on time.

Speaker 1 9:03

Look, dennis points to the pantry showing his shoulder devils all of Igor's delicious food.

Speaker 6 9:10

Oooh Snacks. Why don't you tell Dracula that you will lock up and put away the key for him? But what about the brooms? He will probably think they could hurt me probably.

Speaker 4 9:32

Tell him you'll wait for them to calm down.

Speaker 1 9:36

With a laugh, the two-shouldered devils vanish in a cloud of smoke.

Speaker 6 9:41

Mimi and I can do that. Mr Dracula, you can get going. It's getting late and you have a long journey.

Speaker 2 9:51

Ah, thank you, Dennis. I really appreciate the offer. You're a very good lad, but I couldn't let you go back there with those brooms and all the rage right now. You would be irresponsible of me.

Speaker 6 10:05

Oh, don't, irresponsible of me. Oh don't worry, mr Dracula, me and Mimi will put the keys away after the brooms have calmed down and returned to normal.

Speaker 2 10:14

Oh, that's very smart, dennis. That's a great idea. You're very kind, here you go. Here are the keys.

Speaker 1 10:22

Dracula hands Igor's keys to Dennis. He then waves goodbye to Dennis while patting Mimi on the head.

Speaker 6 10:35

Exiting the castle, Dracula heads north to seek the legendary sword.

Speaker 1 10:38

Well, now that the idiot is gone, Dennis and Mimi slowly turn and look at all of the delicious food in Igor's pantry. Igor returns to the castle several hours after Dracula has left. He enters from his normal entry point on the far side of the castle by his garden closest to his beloved kitchen and room.

Speaker 2 11:16

Oh, hello Master Igor, welcome home. Hello, sir Bones.

Speaker 1 11:21

How are you? Igor pauses noticing his room's broken-down door being swept up by his many, many, many brooms. What happened to my door? The closest broom turns to Igor. Master Dracula did this. You broke down the door trying to chase after him after he took my keys. Why on earth would Dracula need my keys? He has his own, except for, oh no, he wouldn't dare. Igor runs down the hall dropping his grocery bags on the floor, knocking over the brooms in his way. He arrives at his pantry, door closed. Oh, thank goodness he didn't go in my pantry. Oh, thank goodness he didn't go in my pantry. As Igor says this, the loud sound of a burp is heard from inside the pantry. Igor slowly opens the door and, to his utter horror, finds it completely empty, with Dennis and Mimi in the pantry, fast asleep, dennis' stomach bulging and Mimi looking well, pretty normal for a Mimi. Dennis, dennis and Mimi jump with the start and see Igor before them, their faces going paler than Dracula's. Wait, how does a chest look? Pale exactly.

Speaker 6 13:00

Master, I uh, you see, uh, there's a horde of goblins right, mimi.

Speaker 4 13:12

Oh yes, yes, yes, master Igor Goblins attack the pantry and we fight them with clawings and biting. Yes, master Igor Goblins, attack the pantry and we fight them with clawings and biting. Yes, yes.

Speaker 1 13:22

I see. Then explain your full stomachs. Dennis and Mimi look at each other, then back at Igor. We ate them. Yes, we ate them. Igor's face, moments ago, of pure rage, quickly calms and a smile crosses his face. Wow, you both truly are brave and loyal to fight off these goblins and go so far as to eat them to try and save my food. Dennis and Mimi smile at each other, thinking they have gotten away with their little lie. At each other thinking they have gotten away with their little lie. Well, no time to wait. Then Come with me. We must pump your stomachs quickly before the goblin blood kills you from the poison Poison. Yes, yes, Goblin blood is very bad when ingested, Causes vomiting, diarrhea, often death. We can fix you, though it will be quite painful. But not to worry, Nurse Liz, I'm sure can fix you up. You'll be all right, Desrain.

Speaker 4 14:28

Eventually we lied, Master Igor we ate the food.

Speaker 1 14:36

What I'm shocked, I tell you, Dennis. Mimi, I'm very disappointed in you. You will have to be punished for this.

Speaker 6 14:50

But first tell me, how did you get into my pantry? Dracula gave us the keys and told us tell you something. What did he say? Again, mimi?

Speaker 4 15:02

Well, tell Master Igor, he going journey.

Speaker 1 15:05

Yes, yes, A journey, oh dear. What has he gotten himself into this time? Narrator Me, yes you. Where is Dracula going, igor? You know I'm not allowed to Don't toy with me, my friend. My patience is as empty as my pantry. If you don't tell me right now where Dracula went, I'm never paying your bar tab again, tab again. Nightfield has left the castle to find the waters to take him to the, to take him to Darnheim. Oh crap.

Speaker 1 15:46

Yeah my thoughts exactly. I knew I shouldn't have left him alone today. I can't leave the castle to go after him. But Igor whistles and a shadowy figure appears from his room. Follow Dracula and bring him back as unharmed as possible. The shadowy figure nods and moves down the hall and out the side door of the castle, heading in the last known direction of Dracula. Igor, was it really necessary to send him after Dracula? His methods are a bit extreme, to put it lightly. Yes, not only is he about to go to Durnheim, but he touched my pantry, speaking of our undead friend. We find Dracula miles away from the castle, walking down the road holding his umbrella, heading towards Um. Where is he going?

Speaker 2 16:59

I'm going on an adventure.

Speaker 1 17:02

Calm down, Bilbo. This isn't Middle-Earth.

Speaker 2 17:06

Of course it's not in the middle of the Earth. We're looking for a mind that will take us to the middle of the.

Speaker 1 17:14

Earth. Can I kill him on this adventure? Finally, please, maybe I'll get back to you on that one.

Speaker 2 17:22

I say will someone please help me?

Strange Encounter on the Road

Speaker 1 17:24

Oh look, bandits attacking someone. Maybe they'll do the job for you, dm. Who do you think set the bandits? Good point, did I ever tell you how much I like you? As Dracula rounds the bend, he sees an overturned wagon on the side of the road with a small group of men gathered around it searching it. There also appears to be a group of them standing under a nearby tree laughing at something.

Speaker 2 17:51

Oh, my Looks like there was an accident or something.

Speaker 3 17:55

Alright. Um, I'd like to make a perception, check or investigation, if it fits better to see if I notice anything about this odd group of people and, uh, what they're laughing at.

Speaker 1 18:10

Alright, uh, give me a perception check with advantage, because since you clearly heard the sound of someone screaming for help, I did.

Speaker 2 18:19

Oh, what? What's wrong? I mean, yes, yes, I was totally paying attention to what the narrator and strange other voice was saying and not looking at the pretty butterflies.

Speaker 3 18:43

That's just embarrassing.

Speaker 1 18:46

Okay, those dice need to go into dice jail. They are apparently cursed. You even had advantage. What did the night fear roll? It could have been worse than a A, two and a five. You suck at this. Well, dracula thinks they are all totally normal people, definitely not bandits, and is ignoring the screams for help coming from the tree Of someone very evidently hanging upside down from it.

Speaker 3 19:19

Oh, wind in Rome. All right, I continue to walk down the road by the men and I wave as I do.

Speaker 2 19:26

Good afternoon gentlemen, what a lovely day for adventure.

Speaker 1 19:31

The bandits turn and look at Dracula as he walks towards them.

Speaker 4 19:37

Our lucky mates. We got ourselves a fancy man. Arr, lookie here, mates, he's with us today. Captain.

Speaker 1 19:46

As he says this, a large, burly figure in a long duster with a parrot on his shoulder strides past the men and stands before Dracula.

Speaker 5 19:57

Greetings traveler. Welcome to Mirode. Are you a pirate, Arr? No, Ahem, ahem, ahem. I mean no, Just an ordinary citizen going about their legal business.

Speaker 2 20:14

What You're the pirate and a penguin leg. If Spongebob has taught me anything, then it's only pirates that have those.

Speaker 5 20:23

I am not a bloody pirate. I work for the highway division.

Speaker 1 20:29

So you're a highwayman.

Speaker 5 20:31

I wait, yes, wait no.

Speaker 2 20:35

I said don't listen to them, they are definitely pirates. Help me, who said that?

Speaker 1 20:42

Dracula sees behind the large man a strange fellow brightly dressed with a large hat, tied up with a rope, swinging back and forth from a tree branch.

Speaker 2 20:53

Oh, I know the house swinging man.

Speaker 4 20:57

Arr, the jig is up. Captain, Grab the pale stranger and take his booty.

Speaker 5 21:03

Sorry, matey, it looks like your unlucky day.

Speaker 1 21:06

Ha ha ha ha ha. With a laugh, the bandit captain draws his sword. He steps forward and slashes at Dracula in a wide arc, slicing through Dracula's umbrella, cutting it in half, and leaving behind a deep crutch across his chest Out.

Speaker 2 21:25

Why did you do that? You've ruined my favorite shot and my umbrella.

Speaker 1 21:36

The bandits all eye each other and look around with a look of surprise and confusion at this immortal stranger.

Speaker 2 21:41

I needed that umbrella, so I don't.

Speaker 1 21:46

Before Dracula can say another word. The Sun peeks out from behind the clouds and, once again, dracula is lit on fire.

Speaker 2 21:55

Ah, it burns.

Speaker 4 21:58

Iron Monster run, Save yourselves mates. Ah, Demon.

Speaker 1 22:05

The bandits scatter, fleeing in terror, screaming at the sight of the man who seemed, by magic, to light on fire.

Speaker 2 22:13

Ah, ah, that's right. Run away. Don't bother to help me here, you a**hole. I'm only on fire and in pain here.

Speaker 1 22:23

Suddenly, from behind a large rug from inside the wagon is thrown over Dracula, smothering the raging flames.

Speaker 2 22:32

Oh my, we can't have you start in a forest fire, my good man.

Speaker 1 22:37

Dracula peers out from under the singed rug and sees standing before him the strange man that was tied up on the trees earlier.

Speaker 2 22:49

I say thank you for distracting the bandits and helping me with my rescue. The fools were so terrified of your little stunt with the fire thingy that you did that. They plumb forgot about me and dropped their weapons, making it very easy to cut myself free. Ha ha Ah, of course it was all part of my perfect plan. Ouch, oh, really. Well, I must say, in all my travels and adventures I've never seen anyone light themselves on fire to deal with bandits. I don't know if it was brilliant or crazy.

Speaker 1 23:29

It's neither, it's stupidity.

Speaker 2 23:32

Hey, that's not a very nice thing to say talking voice. Who are you talking to? Hey, that's not a very nice thing to say talking voice. Who are you talking to? Oh, uh, no, no one, Never mind. My name is Count Dracula. It's a pleasure to meet you. Oh, yes, oh yes.

Speaker 1 23:57

Brom Stroker, the traveling bard, artist and writer. At your service, the brightly dressed bard says, with a bow so low to the ground that his hat almost touched it.

Speaker 2 24:05

A bard Fascinating. I don't meet many bards in Transylvania. You're from Transylvania? Oh my, that is excellent. You must tell me stories. I've heard it's covered with monsters and strange magic. I would love to tell you. But I'm on a quest, you see, and I'm looking for a village with some dwarves. So I really must be. Oh, why did you say so? I know where lots of dwarves are, you do? Oh, yes, I was recently in the town of Gildar. At the local guild hall, there was a full company of dwarves drinking merrily and looking for work. That is perfect, ah, ah, ah. Can you please tell me which direction this town is in? Oh, oh, my dear, I can do better than that. I'll make you a deal. I will take you there myself, on one condition On the way you must tell me all about Transylvania. I'm writing a book, you see, and having the hardest time finding my muse to focus on, but this might be the creative break I've been looking for. Well, I suppose that's what it ought. I do have some great stories, after all.

Speaker 1 25:23

Great, just great. Now someone is going to write a book about this knife-eared idiot. He'll probably spawn off a whole genre of series of novels and end up with one about someone sparkling in the sunlight trying to win the hand of some high school girl and has to fight a werewolf to get her. It'll be the worst romance story in existence.

Speaker 4 25:58

Oh, please don't hurt me, I'm begging you, aaaaaah.

Guildhall Bar Brawl Adventure

Speaker 1 26:05

The bandits lie on the ground dead, the captain among them torn to pieces by Igor's hunter. The foolish bandits never should have returned to the crime scene to gather their lost supplies. The shadowy figure of Igor's hunter scans the area where, just a few hours ago, dracula met the barred Bram Stoker. The hunter scans the ground, seeing the tracks and markings, the cut rope and the burnt patch of ground where Dracula once stood, the hunter's keen eyes replaying the scene almost as if he had seen them for itself firsthand. Without a word or regards for the carnage, it sets off with inhuman speed toward the town of Gildar, following Dracula's trail. Dracula and the Bard arrive in the town of Gildar just as the sun begins to set.

Speaker 2 27:10

Aha, aha, the town of Gildar, the perfect place for adventure. The guild here is famous for adventurers and heroes for hundreds of years, gathering for quests and adventure. Why, the famous hero of legend William started his adventure to slay the demon king only 30 years ago. Oh yes, I know him. He's my town butcher and the father of my future bride. What Everyone thought? He disappeared. Even more reason to travel post-haste to Honeydale. Ha ha, you will find the guild down the main street. My good man, you can't miss it. Now I must be off to Honeydale. This book is practically writing itself, ha ha. Thank you again, my dear friend Ta-ta.

Speaker 1 28:08

The bard, without a word or care for the late hour, turns and begins to head back down the road, talking to himself while hastily writing notes down in his book.

Speaker 2 28:19

My, what a strange fellow, but I like him. He reminds me of myself for some reason. Now we said the Guildhall was down the main street.

Speaker 1 28:33

Dracula moves off toward the guild. The town of Guildhall is very crowded compared to Honeydale. Merchants, weapons and armor smiths and artists line the streets, peddling their wares to the last light of day. Doesn't take long for Dracula to find the guild hall, A large wooden building with elaborate carvings on the sides, dozens of flags and shields hanging from the walls. As Dracula approaches the tavern, he notices the sound of crashing tables, yells in breaking glasses.

Speaker 2 29:10

Oh my, what is going on inside All?

Speaker 3 29:15

right. I step inside the door of the tavern.

Speaker 1 29:20

As soon as Dracula enters the door, he sees the chaos before him Several bodies lying unconscious on the ground, tables and chairs overturned, dozens of adventurers fighting with bare fists and makeshift weapons from broken tables and chairs.

Speaker 2 29:37

What on earth is going on?

Speaker 1 29:42

Before you can finish, a beer mug hits Dracula on the back of the head, causing him to fall down. It appears Dracula has found himself in the middle of a bar fight. Rahahaha Roll initiative.