Tales and Tavern Brawls

Ever seen a vampire mistaken for an albino elf in a tavern brawl? This episode is packed with hilarity as Bram Stroker spins the tale of Dracula's wild day in Gildar Guild. From getting hit from a catapult manned by drunken Dwarves to intentionally being targeted by drunken Dwarves, Dracula's escapades are non-stop chaos until the no-nonsense Miss Geneve steps in. And that's just the beginning! Prepare yourself for uproarious misunderstandings and The Guild tavern turned upside down.

Next, we get ready to embark on Dracula's ambitious mission to the cursed mines of Durnheim, with a troupe of dwarves who bring their own brand of comedic tension. The stakes are high as they "negotiate" a deal, all while back at the castle, Igor has his hands full with cleaning up pantry-raiding shenanigans and the LOL coming back for revenge. The episode crescendos in a showdown with the Little Big Bad Gang, where a debt dispute escalates into an epic confrontation with potion-fueled giants. You won't want to miss the twists, the laughs, and the sheer absurdity of it all!

Transcript

Bar Brawl in Gildar Guild

Speaker 1 0:00

Ah ha ha, welcome back. It is I, your favorite bar and storyteller, baram Stroker, although currently I'm not nearly as famous as I will be when my book is published on my new friend Dracula. I met him just last week on the road where he saved me from a group of horrible bandits by lighting himself on fire a genius move, if ever I saw one.

Speaker 3 0:25

Definitely not an accident, because the bandit leader cut his umbrella in half and it was the middle of the day.

Speaker 1 0:31

Ah, yes, indeed, it was brilliant, ha ha. After that, we traveled together to the town of Gildar, where Dracula told me all about his many adventures. This book will practically write itself, I tell you.

Speaker 3 0:51

You are really a bad judge of character. Anyway, Dracula arrives at the town of Gildar and makes his way to the guild hall after saying goodbye to his newfriend, the Bard. He hears a loud commotion inside and enters to find himself in the middle of a full-on bar brawl. Before Dracula can gather what is happening, he is struck in the back of the head and briefly knocked unconscious.

Speaker 4 1:14

What is going on here Ouch?

Speaker 3 1:18

While our incompetent knife ear.

Speaker 4 1:20

Hey, I can still hear you. Just because I'm knocked out in the story doesn't mean I don't know what is happening.

Speaker 3 1:28

Shut up and play on dead Knife-Ear. I'm narrating. Where was I? Ah, yes, as I was saying before being interrupted, while our vampire takes a nap in the middle of a brawl, let's go back a few minutes to see how this fight began in the middle of a brawl. Let's go back a few minutes to see how this fight began.

Speaker 5 2:11

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug it was nothing.

Speaker 3 2:15

I always knew I could do it.

Speaker 4 2:19

I thought I had your bug 37. They all went downhill after that one.

Speaker 1 2:30

You're a true champion, baby. And how's contestant three doing?

Speaker 4 2:39

Why I think the elf is dead. I don't know. Hey, they face planted after only 20 mobs.

Speaker 2 2:48

Why it's what he gets for thinking he could go mob to mob with dwarves.

Speaker 5 2:55

I first act as your new ale queen. I mean, kang, it's make all knife ears pay double for ale at the guild.

Speaker 2 3:08

AHHHHHHHHH, ooooooooh, you SUCK, my good man. You can't do that.

Speaker 5 3:12

You don't own this guild, you dare speak out against your King. This is alcohol treason. Derg Well said. My Son well said.

Speaker 2 3:26

Why don't you come over here and say that to my face? That is, if you can walk that far, you drunk boulder.

Speaker 5 3:34

That's it.

Speaker 3 3:36

It's treason against the Ale King With a roar. The dwarves charge the group of elves across the tavern and an all-out brawl breaks out. Tables and chairs flying, breaking bottles and the sounds of dwarves battle, raging and laughing.

Speaker 1 3:55

Don't they know? It's only just a drinking title.

Speaker 5 3:59

You see, to dwarves the title of Ale King is almost as sacred as their actual king.

Speaker 1 4:11

Oh great, the dwarfs made a catapult out of broken tables. Dismit we told them again and again no artifice or actions in the bar.

Speaker 2 4:18

Fire.

Speaker 3 4:19

Fire. The catapult um table throws a barrage of shrapnel comprised of broken chairs, bottles and table fragments into the far side of the tavern.

Speaker 4 4:42

A side piece of an ale mug flies towards the door just as it opens and our um hero enters. What is going on here, ouch?

Speaker 3 4:49

Dracula falls flat on the ground as the catapult hits its unentangled mark.

Speaker 4 4:53

Aye look my king, we hit an albino elf Double the points. I've never seen one before. Hit it again.

Speaker 5 5:00

What. I've never seen one before. Hit it again what?

Speaker 3 5:10

As Dracula attempts to rise, he is struck again by a barrage of debris from the catapult. Ow.

Speaker 4 5:20

Stop picking on me. I just got here for crying out loud and I've no idea what is going on.

Speaker 3 5:27

I mean, what else is new? You're not helping. When have I ever?

Speaker 4 5:31

helped you. Well, you could try.

Speaker 3 5:36

But that would take more effort than I'm willing to waste on you. So no. As Dracula continues to talk to himself while lying on the tavern floor, a large figure steps out from the kitchen.

Speaker 5 5:49

Enough.

Speaker 3 5:51

Dead silence falls on the tavern as all eyes look to the bar in horror. Oh no, it's the manager. She's scary. A tall, majestic female elf stands on top of the bar. She eyes all the patrons with a murderous glare.

Speaker 3 6:13

Ten nine eight, the destroyed bar comes alive as the elf counts, as all the patrons scramble in terror to clean up the mess and fix the tables and chairs Faster than humanly or physically possible. The tavern is cleaned as if the patrons' lives depended on it. Three, two, one. Silence falls on the tavern again. The beta I mean the elf looks left and right at the tavern scene, now clean, as if the chaos before hadn't ever taken place. Her eyes quickly fall on Dracula, still lying on the floor with a broken chair next to him. She jumps down off the countertop and walks slowly to Dracula.

Speaker 2 7:07

Oh no, he's totally dead. Miss Genevieve hates messes.

Speaker 3 7:13

Silence Eek.

Speaker 5 7:17

Who are you? Hate, messes, silence? Who are you Me? No, I'm talking to your brother behind you. Who else?

Speaker 3 7:26

am I talking to bloodsucker? Oh shit, Sorry, that's up to get my throat.

Speaker 4 7:36

Sorry, that's up to get my throat. My name is Count Dracula.

Speaker 5 7:45

I appear on a quest, and why is?

Speaker 4 7:46

my chair broken right next to you. Uh well, you see, it was thrown at me.

Speaker 5 7:53

Don't give me excuses, bloodsucker, I don't care how it gets there, but if you're going to use my establishment, you will follow my rules.

Speaker 3 8:04

Rules. The elf points to a large plaque over the bar. Rule one we don't talk about the guild. Rule two we don't talk about the guild. Rule 2. We don't talk about the guild. Rule 3. Only employees are allowed in the back, no exceptions. Rule 4. All contracts are final. Rule 5. Butter tabs must always be paid. Rule 6. Guild is not responsible for loss of life, limbs, souls or property. Rule 7, destruction of guild property is punishable by a hundred thousand guild fine or five years in guild prison.

Speaker 4 8:42

A hundred thousand gold.

Speaker 5 8:45

Yes.

Speaker 4 8:46

For a broken chair.

Speaker 5 8:48

Did I stutter?

Speaker 4 8:50

Yes, but, but. I need my gold to pay for my quest. I can't be looking for some dwarves to guide me through the mines.

Speaker 5 8:59

I don't care if you.

Speaker 4 9:01

Oh, miss Genevieve, we of the Deep Rock Mining Company accept full responsibility for the chair, milady.

Speaker 3 9:12

In the blink of an eye, three dwarves dive onto the chair and in a blur and cloud of dust the chair, almost by magic, is repaired and sparkling clean as if brand new.

Speaker 4 9:23

Well, this suffice, Miss Genevieve.

Speaker 5 9:26

Very well, this time I shall show mercy, but only this time. Milady, you are very kind, we do not deserve your hospitality.

Speaker 4 9:38

Come, my friend, step over to our table and let us discuss business.

Speaker 2 9:43

Dag.

Speaker 3 9:50

The dwarves escort Dracula over to a nearby table where the rest of their compatriots are sitting.

Speaker 4 9:57

Allow me to introduce you to the Deep Rock Mining family. The white-bearded dwarf that you already met is my father.

Speaker 5 10:05

Obsidian Deep Rock at your service.

Speaker 4 10:09

The large dwarf to his right with the red beard and earl is my cousin Copper.

Speaker 3 10:15

Wait, what are you I mean at your service?

Speaker 4 10:19

Do I know you? You sound familiar.

Speaker 3 10:23

No, you don't know me. I fear I can't escape this guy when I'm off work.

Speaker 4 10:32

The two dwarfs to the left are my little brothers, adamant and Quartz, but we call them Pit and Bit for short. Hi, nice to meet you.

Speaker 2 10:42

Ahem, I see what you said, dag.

Speaker 4 10:45

Why do you call him Pit?

Speaker 3 10:47

Oh, I don't know, Maybe it's cause he's got the pickaxe stuck inside of his skull. You knife-ear.

Speaker 5 10:54

Behave copper or I'll cut you off from ale today.

Speaker 3 10:58

Behave copper, or I'll cut you off for today you are the worst ale king ever to abuse your authority in this way yes, now shut up and drink or I'll shut you up, boy. Hmm, good night my dad.

Speaker 2 11:15

Dang, and I'm called Big because I'm the youngest and shortest, but one day I'll be big and strong.

Speaker 4 11:25

I like to drill holes. Ah, yes, yes, little fella, we all know how much you like to drill. Now calm down. As for myself, I am Iron, Iron Deeprock at your service. Ah, it's a pleasure to meet you all. My name is Scout Dracula. Ah ah ah, Thank you again for helping me with the chair earlier. What that elf lady is scary Now.

Speaker 5 11:54

Now, Sonny, you don't want to go there. It's for your own safety.

Speaker 4 11:58

Indeed, best not go there, my friend, but it's a true pleasure to meet you Now. I couldn't help overhear. You tell Miss Genevieve that you're looking to pay for some guides through the mines. Or tell me again Ah yes, definitely don't want to go there, my friend, but it's a true pleasure to meet you Now. I couldn't help over here, but you were saying to Miss Genevieve that you're looking for some guides through some mines. Ah yes, I'm on a quest to find the magical sword to impress my future bride. Well, I'm sure we can help with that. What mine do you believe it's in Mythril mine? Moria Craft mine? Uh, it's called Darnheim.

Speaker 3 12:46

The entire guild falls silent and all eyes look at Dracula before they return to their drinks and conversations.

Speaker 4 12:57

Shhh, oi, sonny, you should not speak that name so loud. My friend Folks here remember that ghost place very well now.

Speaker 3 13:06

Why on earth would you want to go there, you crazy knife-eer? What does Igor think? You know, igor? Igor, who's Igor? No, I said that you can't go to Durnheim. It's cursed, you, knife-eer.

Speaker 5 13:24

Now, cop, stop being so rude to our guest. One more outburst and you're cut off for the rest of the week why is that cost? A long time ago, the minds of dernheim arrived by none in the land. King dernheim reigned on his mythal throne, and the riches of that dwarven kingdom outweighed more than all the others combined, until one day when it arrived.

Speaker 4 13:51

It.

Speaker 2 13:52

The curse. After it arrived, soon everyone left the mine or was driven mad. The Dwarven Kingdoms banded together to try and remove the curse, but when that failed, they tried to seal the mines forever.

Speaker 4 14:08

Wow, that's quite the story.

Speaker 3 14:15

But I must go there all the same. Why? Because some magic book told you how did you know that Lucky guess.

Speaker 4 14:25

You're very good at guessing, but it's true, I know beyond any doubt that the legendary sword of legends, calibur, is in the mines right now.

Speaker 5 14:38

Calibur, you know it. Yes, I know that sword. Why do you want it?

Speaker 3 14:50

To impress my future bride and I will pay whatever you ask. Oh, you shouldn't have said that, nyfyr. All the dwarves look at each other and smile.

Speaker 4 14:58

Well, since it's cursed, my friend, we'll have to add a considerable amount to the dangers of the mine. You understand 10,000 gold pieces now and 10,000 after. I'll give you 30,000 gold pieces now and 10,000 after I'll give you 30,000.

Speaker 5 15:21

Let us confer privately, sir.

Speaker 3 15:22

The doors turn and start whispering each other excitedly, all except Peck who didn't seem to notice and stares at Dracula without blinking.

Speaker 4 15:31

Dig, oh, that's 30,000, not enough, fine, fine. 50,000 gold pieces. Dig what more? 70, 75,000 gold pieces, and all expenses paid, dig, All right. All right, my friend, all right, calm down, calm down, let's be civil. A hundred and fifty thousand gold pieces, all expenses paid, and four stems on any treasure we find except Caliban.

Speaker 3 16:04

Dig. The dwarf and vampire reach their hands out and shake. A deal has been struck. The other dwarves turn back to Dracula, not noticing the conversation.

Speaker 4 16:16

All right, my friend, we discussed it and we agreed to your dick. We already agreed on terms.

Speaker 3 16:23

You what the dwarves look angry at Pick thinking he just ruined their plans to make a fortune?

Speaker 4 16:30

Yes, we agreed 150,000 gold pieces, all expenses paid and forced dibs on any treasure.

Speaker 3 16:41

All the Dorons, except pick, fall backwards in their chairs, spilling their drinks as they faint dig, dig. Back at Dracula's castle, we find Igor busy at work restocking his recently depleted pantry. I swear, dennis, it was one thing to eat an entire batch of my Christmas cookies last winter, but this is too far, he says while looking at the empty shells of his once beautiful full pantry. And you, mimi, I thought I taught you better, bad dog. Mimi sorry, master Igor, don't punish poor Mimi with smacking and whacking.

Speaker 6 17:31

Mimi promised to behave Master Ego.

Speaker 3 17:34

Oh, please, the moment Dennis gets an idea, you'll wag your tail and follow him. Ah, but I suppose such loyalty is a good thing. It's very hard to come by these days. Did you learn your lesson, dennis? The butler eyes, the werepups sitting on the floor leaning against the wall, looking very green.

Speaker 2 17:53

Yes, master, uh, I'm gonna throw up.

Speaker 3 17:59

Igor turns away from the werepup to hide his smile. Sometimes life teaches the harsh lessons without him having to do anything in the end. Anything in the end. The silence is broken from the loud sound of knocking echoing throughout the castle coming from the main door. The silence is broken from the loud sound of knocking echoing throughout the castle. Coming from the main door, igor, followed slowly by Dennis and Mimi, still quite stuffed from consuming a year's supply of food, traveled down the hall to the main entryway. Hello, how may I help you? Standing in the entryway well, more like floating before Igor is two banshees and in the middle, being held between them, a large mirror. Kevian, what are you doing here?

Speaker 6 18:57

I have come, Igor, on behalf of the League of Librarians.

Speaker 5 19:03

Is that really necessary? My friend, it was only a small book.

Speaker 6 19:08

Only a small book. Dracula destroyed the library with his escapade. The damage isn't time to repair, why it will take the banshees a hundred years just to reorganize the books.

Speaker 5 19:25

So am I to expect the standard form, then, of LOL procedure here.

Speaker 6 19:32

Yes, my friend, we will return at midnight.

Speaker 5 19:37

Very well, Kevion.

Speaker 3 19:39

Have a pleasant day and give my regards to your boss when you see him, igor closes the castle door and walks back down the hall toward the pantry. Wait, what just happened here? What's happening at midnight, igor? Oh, standard library protocol. At midnight, the castle will be attacked by thousands of banshees and undead monsters, and all occupants of the castle will be killed. Then their souls will be trapped in the library to work off their debt and repair the damages. Oh, I see that makes per what?

Speaker 2 20:10

We need to prepare Master.

Speaker 5 20:15

Yes, yes, all in good time, but priorities first.

Speaker 3 20:19

What could be more important than defending the castle, my pantry? The sun begins to set slowly over the mountains, casting its rays of light onto the town of Gildar. Igor's hunter walks slowly down the road toward the guild hall, drawing ever closer to its prey. We find Dracula, nearby meeting the Deep Rock Mining Company. Outside the back of the guild hall, near the stables, the dwarves are busy packing mining equipment and various tools, various contraptions, onto a cart that is hooked up to a large metal bull.

Speaker 4 21:06

Good evening, gentlemen. Uh, uh, uh, oh. Hello again my pale patron. A beautiful evening for gold. I mean adventure. Oi bit, be careful with that, that's not a toy.

Speaker 3 21:20

The dwarf yells at his little brother, who is currently carrying a large red crate covered in X's while driving a strange humanoid contraption. Is that a mech, a steam-powered, gear-operated mech? Are you happy with that description? Now, look, you try and describe complex machinery like a mech in fantasy. Artificers need to stop with this technology. It's making life very difficult for us professional narrators. Ugh my head. I need a nail narrators my head.

Speaker 4 21:53

I need a nail. That's an impressive machine. Where did you get?

Speaker 2 21:57

that I made it Till I get bigger. I need something to help me keep up with my brothers. Plus it's really cool?

Speaker 4 22:05

It sure is. Can I drive it Sure? Oh no, no, no, no, no. There will be plenty of time for that once we are in the mines and away from guild property DERG. Yes, exactly, brother, I could have said a bit of myself. Well, well, well, look what we got here, boys.

Speaker 3 22:24

Dracula and the dwarves turn around to see, in the entrance to the stables, five halflings blocking the entrance, dressed in various leather and scrap irons, with some wearing cloth covering their faces, others with tattoos marking their faces and arms, and all carrying an assortment of makeshift clubs spears. And Look, it's a gang. You know what a gang looks like it's a gang of halflings.

Speaker 4 22:50

Remember when hobbits used to just smoke weed and occasionally get pulled into adventures with wizards.

Speaker 5 22:56

Ah yeah, Such a simpler time. Now they must resort to crime, it seems.

Speaker 4 23:03

Oi, iron Deep Rock. You're not about to leave town, are you Not? Without paying what you owe, owe the Little Big Bad Gang. Who are they? Oh, carly Redfoot, it's been a long time. Me, friend, what can my humble company do for you and your li-?

Speaker 3 23:20

He stops himself short before calling the hobbits little, not wanting to provoke them anymore. Friends.

Speaker 4 23:28

You know why we're here, iron, you owe the boss 3,000 gold pieces from your failed expedition. Two months he gave you to pay up and he hasn't seen a copper from you. Bad business, my friend, bad business. Oh, I told you last time, your boss, you don't get the copper from the proc. That exposition was failed from the start and you know it. You b--- you the copper from the proc. That exposition was failed from the start and you know it, you b****. You could have said the camps were crawling with trolls, bloody trolls, but no, you left us in the dark and we lost more equipment than you did on that venture. Oh well, don't give me that. You signed the contract and you should have read the fine print. Failure to complete assignment will result in full return of investment made by the little big bad gang LLC. Now pay up or we take from you and your friend rare by force.

Speaker 2 24:16

I'd like to see you try shorty Derg.

Speaker 3 24:20

Turley turns a bright red, his anger boiling over at the insult to his height. Clearly Bit hit a sore spot on the halfling criminal. His face quickly changes from one of anger to eerie calm, though.

Speaker 4 24:35

All iron, I must thank you for making my job easier. I half hoped it would turn out this way.

Speaker 3 24:41

The halfling says with a sly smile Boys, both of them's up the halflings, pull out from their pockets small flasks of a strange liquid and shotgun them.

Speaker 4 24:53

Oh little, don't hurt us little hobbits. Gee, you're outsmarted, carly, and you know it. We fought way tougher foes than ye. Come at us, if you dare. You'll only find the cold bit of my axe in your skull.

Speaker 3 25:07

Suddenly, the halflings begin to glow a strange purplish light and before Dracula and the dwarves' eyes then begin to grow taller and taller, until the coupling finds not five three-foot tall halflings standing before them, but five ten-foot tall halflings.

Speaker 4 25:27

Well, sh**, didn't see that coming. Oh dear, I wasn't expecting that. Oh, the Little Big Bad Gang. I get this now.

Speaker 6 25:41

Dang.